“True metamorphosis doesn’t come with flowcharts.” — David Mitchell, “The Bone Clocks”
“Oh, shit!” This has been my first thought upon waking for the last few days. “What the hell have I wrought? Is it too late to change my mind? Why did I ever think this was a good idea? I am my own worst enemy!”
My beloved home has been sold. Soon strangers will be sorting my personal belongings, pricing them and staging them for sale. Then, a shit-ton more strangers will traipse through my inner sanctum, pawing at and sucking up the treasures of my life. There will be a period of homelessness between the house closing and paying the balance owed on the RV. Then another couple of strangers will live in the Atomic Abode. LIVE in it!
WTF?
In a slight state of panic, I add to the pile of things to keep. What if I NEED that? Set it aside now, or it will be gone forever!
For effing ever.
In keeping with old habits and behaviors I strive to change (part of the reason I am making this transition), but now mentally packaged as well-deserved comfort with a dash of self-medication, I’m eating more fast food, having that extra glass of wine, and … shopping.
“Shopping!” you cry with dissapointment. “What could you be shopping for? You have all you need, and more. Isn’t this a quest to divest yourself of worldly possessions, to live more simply and more honestly?”
Oh, believe me, I can always find something to buy. Every life event is a shopping opportunity. Funeral? Little black dress.
A mop, an occasional table, a tiny coffee maker, a rubber vase for flowers – I justify it all. The switcheroo from sticks and bricks to RV requires compact, nesting, shatter-proof, BPA-free, folding, multi-functional, quick-drying, self-adhesive, road-worthy, light-weight, collapsible, stowable …. shite.
Today my mom Maria observed, “The period after change is pretty easy. It’s the change itself that’s hard.” Werewolves immediately came to mind. Think “American Werewolf in London” or any werewolf-y story that appeals to you. During the transition there is pure torment – the expansion of flesh and ripping of clothing, elongation of limbs and features, sprouting of claws and fur and fangs.
I’m experiencing some growing pains, and they ain’t pleasant.
This Post Has 6 Comments
I’m sure it’s a wild time with lots of strong emotions, and you will get through it fine. Think about how much fun you are going to have on the open road. And if you need a place to visit during your period of homelessness, you can always come to Sacramento. 🙂
Thank you, Mish! The emotions wax and wane, and it is just as important to document the uncomfortable and imperfect as the warm and fuzzy. I want to share my authentic experience – good, bad, ugly or indifferent. C’est la vie!
Once you are over this hump, you will look back at your growing pains and will be smiling as you say, “yup, I did that and I now just look at me!”
Thank you, Helen Anne! Right now I feel at sea, but this too shall pass. I think once Nellie arrives and I have a place to nest and call home, many of these panicky feelings will subside.
I can relate, sold the family home after living in it, raising my children in it, for 27 years. But the next adventure was waiting for me … MEXICO! I had always dreamed of owing a place and living there. So I eagerly yard sale x 2 and donated x a zillion and kept reminding myself it was only things and that real life is an adventure not comprised of things.
Yes, I bought a place in Mexico — very unique, grass roof, etc. Soon after buying it life started to change for me. I hate to sound weak but it was grandchildren mixed with the fact my employer wouldn’t let me work down there (I have a remote job) and then my husband was hurt seriously and I realized I had to have the health insurance from said employer.
Sigh.
So I sold it this year. But another adventure is waiting.. my owning a Newmar Bay Star and creating new memories with those grandchildren.
Every time I purge items I always hang onto one thing that I just can’t let go of. And then the next donation time I release yet more.
I admire your ambition, the realization that a career can suck the life out of you and your willingness to be free and hit the road!!
Crystal, that does not sound weak at all. It sounds like life turned on a dime, and you had to woman up and make the prudent choice at the time. Other adventures await!