When I was a litigator, I spent a good amount of time contemplating, researching, and obsessing about jury selection. Juries were crucial to ply my chosen trade, after all.
While impaneling a jury is often called “jury selection,” it is really “jury DEselection.” The first 12 or 13 people in the pool were already seated in the jury box, and it was my job to dismiss those who would damage my client’s case, replenishing the seats with bodies from the gallery – the area we trial lawyers affectionally call “The Bone Yard.”
To my mind, that deselection process is a metaphor for life. By the time we are old enough to make our own choices, so many things have been pre-determined for us. Gender, familial relationships, religion, geographic location, socio-economic status – whether we would have chosen them or not, they are foisted upon us.
For me, those presets were burdensome, suffocating cloaks, obscuring my true self. I was raised in a violent, abusive household. Regardless of talent or interests, I was expected to choose a job requiring a high school diploma, or two years (or less) of community college. As a girl, such acceptable vocations included teacher, office assistant, store clerk, or medical aid. As a girl in Mississippi, my more likely role would be working at the factory, or raising babies. Or both.
Even at a young age, I eschewed this rigged and stacked system. I questioned what it meant to be a Christian when I saw African-Americans ignored and rebuffed at my Southern Baptist church. I did not accept the violence I experienced and witnessed at home as normal. I wanted first to be an astronaut, then an archaeologist, then an attorney, and I would tell anyone who would listen, including teachers who smiled without parting their lips and patted me on the back while slowly nodding. My classmates called me “Hollywood.” I didn’t belong in a small town. When “prophecies” were made about graduating sixth grade students, I was voted “Most likely to be the dictator of a Third World country.”
When I ran away as a teen and embarked upon a new life, I deselected “victim” for “victor.” I deselected hypocritical religious dogma for informed, critical thinking. I deselected gender norms for women and accomplished whatever the hell I set my mind to, regardless of sex organs.
When it was time to wrap up my career and embark upon this current journey, I had more deselecting to do, but this time, I had to painfully peel off the labels I willingly slapped on myself, which made me feel “stuck.” I deselected homebody for nomad ; collector for minimalist; worry wart for hopefully-a-little-less-of-a-worry-wart (still working on that one – it’s a toughie); control freak for whatever’s clever; chronic futurizer for living in the moment; and suspicious for trusting. Perhaps most important, I deselected critical for loving and forgiving – of myself, and others. I work on that one every.single.day.
Writing this, I am reminded of this quote by writer and illustrator Emily McDowell:
“‘Finding yourself’ is not really how it works. You aren’t a $10 bill in last winter’s coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people’s opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. ‘Finding yourself’ is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.”
Do you have some deselecting to do?
This Post Has 33 Comments
Beautiful.
What an amazingly thought provoking post!!! Yes, I have a ton of deselecting to do…Your journey continues to be so inspiring, thank you for sharing!
Yes. Deselection. Thank you!
Here! Here! I wish everyone understood this and had the opportunity to deselect. The world would be an even more amazing place with even more amazing (and happier) people.
yep, that was a good one, Tammy
This came at the right time! Much love!
Wonderful post thank you
Wow, that last paragraph is so enlightening. Thank you for writing this and sharing it with us.
Very inspiring Tammy. I’m going to have to print this off and refer back to it, maybe even meditate on it. You are amazing! I always knew that but you repeatedly confirm. Thanks for the insight!
I don’t have much deselecting to do but would definitely travel to any third world country where you are dictator, so keep us posted.
After not receiving a post from you in a while, I was excited to see this… and it’s a beauty. I wish everyone in the world could read it and take minute to think it over.
I know I will. Thank you!
As usual your writing skills are spot on and your way of looking at the world causes me to stop and think! Thank you I enjoy your friendship!
You r right on.
Well said and thought provoking! Interesting use of the word deselection! While My life experience is very different: ie big city southern girl, expected to go to college, non-abusive home life, etc. nevertheless we share the “don’t put me in a box” mindset! I have been able to hang onto a Christian faith and think rationally while rejecting the bigotry and narrow mindedness I grew up with and enthusiastically embrace cross cultural experiences.
I envy your courage to do what you are doing! I have traveled solo some, but the big rig experience is out of my comfort zone! You go girl!
Like you I chaff at fitting into a box of someone else’s construction. I just turned 70 years old and my latest “obsession” is Korean pop music-aka KPop! With over 1,000 songs in 30+ playlists and pricey tickets to the upcoming BTS Rose Bowl concert in May, i guess you could say I am pretty heavily invested! Admittedly I am an oddity in BTS fandom, but , like you, I have decided to be who I am even if I look like a (old) fool! Besides, what music is “age appropriate” for me anyway?! Oldies, classic rock?! I will stick to my KPop tunes!
PS: we also share the same hometown of Seattle!
Stephanie, thank you for the exuberant comment! I had to look up KPop because of you. Only you can do you, and from the sound of it, your you is fabulous!
I can hear your heart talking. Beautifully written and thought provoking. Thank you, Tammy.
That is lovely, Teresa. Thank you.
Deselecting the choices that have been made for you is a wonderful exercise in finding yourself. Especially for women, throwing off any expectations that a prescribed religion, a gender role, and a political affiliation are to be accepted just because that is what it takes to fit into the space that society has created for you. Live your own journey and never let anyone tell you what path to take. Awesome piece of writing there gal.
Thank you! I always appreciate your comments.
I agree with everyone else. Beautifully written, spot on. Provocative, and gives me room for much thought. As we are getting close to our two year “Nomadversary” in June, there are a few things I thing I have deselected. One: my fear of Boondocking on BLM land (love it). Two: my need to plan every stop and stay, booking reservations (kinda goes with #1). These two items will create more of a free spiritedness in our travels. Thank you, Tammy for sharing your thoughts and words. Inspirational.
Hi, Laura! As always, good to hear from you. Sounds like this hobo lifestyle is settling nicely into your blood.
Tammy
You nailed it! Great post!
Constantly!!
Amen.
You touched on so many things I’ve struggled with for 65+ years. Working on them one-by-one as I work to enjoy my new nomaic life.
I struggle to make the life I have left MY life!
Yes! I like to say, in what other life are you going to be your true self?
Amazing. Insightful.
“Deselecting”. A lifelong journey.
This was a post worth waiting for… a real keeper.
Thanks for saying so, Gail. Those months off were exactly what I needed. Now I can’t shut up! HaHa
Thank you for writing such an inspiring post. I shall print it & put it where I can read it every day!!!
Aww, thanks, Chrissi!
Wow, this writing hits me right in the heart. The deselecting is what I have been doing for the past year since I decided to take a permanent sabbatical from nursing. I now have a language to explained it. Thank you. Maybe we’ll meet on the road sometime, I launch in May for a road trip that I have no planned return date scheduled.
Best to you Colleen, and I hope to meet you somewhere along the trail!
Tammy, this was a beautiful post, and just captures you perfectly! I didn’t struggle with many of the obstacles you overcame, but just inherently blazed my own trail through most of my life. I did what ‘was expected’ a few times and hated it, for the most part. So, in hindsight, the recent decision to go nomadic wasn’t all that surprising. 😊 I’m so happy to have met you and continue to follow your deselection!
Thank you, Lynne! And thank you for being such a constant reader and commenter. I really appreciate it.